


Cards against Humanity

by Acuberon_1285



Series: Game time [1]
Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25990147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acuberon_1285/pseuds/Acuberon_1285
Summary: Warriors, Wild and Twilight decide to play Cards against Humanityat midnight.... Let's see how it goes
Relationships: Twilight & Warriors, Twilight & Wild (Linked Universe), Warriors & Wild (Linked Universe), Wild & Warriors & Twilight
Series: Game time [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886602
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	Cards against Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic! There may be a few mistakes. (English isn't my native language) I hope you enjoy anyway!

''Let's just get into the game!'' Warriors said, dealing the cards.  
''How many cards?''  
''I don't know. I'm just gonna deal, I think.''  
''It's like seven, right?'' Wild asked.  
Twilight nodded. ''Yeah.''  
Warriors looked at Wild and Twilight. ''OK! So who's going to go first?''  
Twilight put his right fist on his left hand, ready for Rock, Paper, Scissors.  
''Who's the first..?'' Warriors asked in middle of Rock Paper Scissors. Everyone stopped and laughed.   
''What's your question?'' Wild asked.  
''Who... never mind.'' Warriors said before giggling again.  
''I'm the professional here.'' Twilight said to both.  
''Never mind,'' Warriors said while laughing, ''I was going to provide an alternative but we didn't even get to it. I was gonna say like, 'Who- who's the last person that committed a crime?''' He looked at Twilight.  
Wild started laughing. ''Why would you say that?''  
''Why are you looking at me?!'' Twilight said, offended.  
''Why don't we just do Rock Paper Scissors?'' Wild said.  
''I DON'T KNOOWW!''   
''Ho-kay''  
Once again, the three of them put their fists on their hands.  
''Rock Paper Scissors SHOOT!''   
''FUCK!'' Warriors yelled. Losing to both of them with paper. He looked confused. ''Wait, does that mean I draw?''  
''No,'' Wild told him. ''This is for who get to be the Card Czar.''  
''No, you don't wanna be the judge because-'' Twilight started.  
''Well than that just means-'' Warriors interrupted him. ''Well that just means I do it!''  
''Yeah, yeah,'' Wild confirmed.  
Warriors grabbed the first black card. ''You guys better make me laugh.''

''Honey, I have a new role-play I want to try tonight. You can be -blank- and I'll be -blank-.'' Warriors leaned back and closed his eyes, waiting for Wild and Twilight to put their cards on the table.   
''The first blank goes on bottom, Wild,'' Twilight told his brother.   
''OK.''  
''Yeah, so it's logical,'' Warriors added. ''What you should do is just place them in weird parts on the table and just grab them.''  
''Why?'' Wild asked in confusion.  
''I don't know.''  
''Why are you trying to add a weird element to the game?''  
''I just want- No, I'm trying to make it work so I don't know who did who! And put rando in there!'' Warriors told him.   
''Ooh, yeah.''  
''Okay, Warriors. You're good. Go ahead,'' Twilight said, giving Warriors a little prod.  
Warriors opened his eyes. ''Oh boy, alright. So, Honey, I have a new role-play I want to try tonight.'' He began, picking up the first cards. ''You can be -Legend's Youtube career- and I'll be -getting all offended-,'' Warriors giggled. ''Alright. You can be -some sort of Asian- and I'll be -my girthy cock-,'' his giggling turned into laughter. ''You can be -cool relatable cancer teen- and I'll be -a butt plug collection-.''  
Wild started laughing, leaning back in his chair.   
''Cool relatable cancer teen wins,'' Warriors decided.   
''Rando!'' Twilight and Wild said.  
''Fuuck! What- these were yours?'' Warriors asked, pointing at the remaining cards.  
''Yes!''

''Okay, next round! Twilight, your turn,'' Warriors said, giving Twilight the next black card.  
''Every step towards -blank- gets me a little bit closer to -blank-,'' Twilight read.  
Wild put his cards in front of Twilight at the same time as Warriors, who also took the two top cards for rando.  
''We're done, Twi,'' Wild said, ready to laugh.  
''Okay, here we go. Let's see. Every step towards -Frobo's anal ring- gets me a little bit closer to -the correct way to bleach an anus-,''   
Wild giggled.   
''Every step towards -an unforgettable Quinceanera- gets me a little bit closer to -getting caught by the police and going to jail-. And the last. Every step towards -sharks with legs- gets me a little bit closer to -my boyfriend's stupid penis-.''  
Warriors held back his laughter.  
Twilight studied the cards. ''It certainly would be unforgettable if you got caught by the police and went to jail-,'' he pointed out.  
Warriors joined in. ''Yeah, let's go logical on this one.''  
''An anal ring and anus th-that's kinda correlated,'' Twilight said.  
''Kind of correlated?'' Wild asked, before he and Warriors started laughing.  
Twilight tapped on the winning card. Warriors put his hands in the air in victory. ''YAAAY! I WIN!!''   
''I was so wishing that would have been rando,'' Wild said.   
  
Wild grabbed the next black card.  
''Oprah's Book of the Month is -blank- for -blank-: A Story of Hope.''  
Warriors put his cards down and started giggling. Twilight looked again at the black card, before he put his cards down in front of Wild. ''I can already tell this is gonna be great.'' Wild said.  
''Open your eyes,'' Twilight said creepily.   
''Well, here we go! Oprah's Book of the Month is -Unsheathing My Massive Horse Cock- for -A Facefull of Horse Cum-,'' Wild and Warriors lost it and started laughing while Twilight was waiting patiently for Wild to go on. Wild continued, ''A Story of Hope. Oh God... Next. Oprah's Book of the Month is -A Team of Lawyers- for -Three Consectutive Seconds of Happiness-: A Story of Hope, or, Oprah's Book of the Month is -The Secret Formula for Ultimate Female Satisfaction- for -Fucking a Corpse Back to Life-: A Story of Hope.'' Wild looked at the cards. ''I-I think it's.... funny that Oprah's book would be... Unsheathing Her Massive Horse Cock for A Face Full of Horse Cum,'' he said between laughter.  
''Is that the one you pick?'' Warriors asked.   
Wild laughed. ''Yeah.''  
Again Warriors put his hands in the air. ''Hehehe, yay. That was mine.''

''My turn again,'' Warriors announced and grabbed the black card. ''In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend of ninjas while also dealing with -blank-.''  
Wild started to creepily laugh, while looking through his cards.   
Three white cards were put on the table, ready to be read.   
''Warriors, open your eyes.'' Twilight said.  
''Okay, in his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend of ninjas while also dealing with -AIDS monkeys-, while also dealing with -butt stuff-, or, while also dealing with -mom's new boyfriend.'' Warriors looked surprised. ''That sounds like an actual Jackie Chan movie,'' he said before laughing. ''I'd pick Mom's new boyfriend.''   
Twilight grabbed the black card. ''One point for me!''  
''What was your one?'' Warriors asked Wild.  
''I was butt stuff.''

Twilight picked the next black card. ''Man, this is bullshit. Fuck -blank-.''  
Warriors instantly started laughing and a few seconds later, Wild joined in.   
Wild looked at Warriors, who put rando on the table, then nodded to Wild as a sign he was ready.  
''Alright, you can open,'' Wild said.  
''Here we go, Man this is bullshit. Fuck -Sky's peanut allergy-.'' Twilight started.  
Wild giggled, not even trying to keep his laughing back.  
''Man, this bullshit. Fuck -backflipping into Twilight's ass-.''  
Warriors and Wild break out laughing.  
''And the last one. Man, this is bullshit. Fuck -almost giving money to a homeless person-.'' Twilight ended.  
''I like how you're reading who they're by like it's a book title,'' Wild commented, causing Warriors to laugh even harder; tears forming in his eyes.   
Twilight showed the winning card.  
''Yes! That was me!'' Wild slammed on the table with triumph. ''I was Sky's peanut allergy!''

''Okay, everyone shut up! You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens up on -blank- and then there's some stuff about -blank- and then it ends with -blank-,'' Wild read.   
''Nine cards,'' Twilight mumbled.   
''Okay, you're good,'' Warriors told Wild.  
''Okie,'' Wild grabbed the first three cards. ''You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens up on -Time's face- and then there's some stuff about -subscribing to Hyrule- and then it ends with -drinking responsibly-. Okay next. You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens up on,'' Wild started laughing. ''It opens up on -ejaculating inside another man's wife- and then there's some stuff about -depression-'' Wild and Warriors tried to hold it together. Wild continued, ''And it ends with -anal fissures like you wouldn't believe-.''  
Everyone lost it. ''I've got one more to go,'' Wild tried to say, but as soon as he opened  
his mouth, he started laughing again. After a minute he pulled himself together and read the last one. ''You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens up on -some shit hot guitar licks- and then there's some stuff about -a payote fueled vision quest- and then it ends with -lots and lots of abortions-,'' he giggled. ''I really like 'ejaculating inside another man's wife.''' He said, looking at Warriors who was staring at him in confusion. Twilight started laughing hard. ''Wait-'' he managed to say.  
Wild went on. ''I think that is because it is really funny.''   
Twilight held up his hand.  
''Sorry, Warriors,'' Wild handed the card over to his brother.  
''No, that's fine. I don't know. That was pretty good,'' Warriors ensured him.

''The Japanse have developed a smaller more efficient version of -blank-,'' Warriors read.  
Wild quickly made his choice. Twilight put rando on the table and after looking one more time at his cards put his own down.  
''Okay,'' Wild told Warriors.  
''OK. The Japanese have developed a smaller more efficient version of -P.F. Chang himself?-, -goose- and -moderate to severe plaque psoriasis-. You guys think you're funny, huh? You guys think you're funny- I PICK P.F. CHANG!''  
Twilight took the card. ''Thank you.''  
''Fuck.''

''Alright bros, our frat house is condemned and all the hot slam pieces are over at Gamma Phi. The time has come to commence operation -blank-.''  
Warriors looked at his cards and giggled silently.  
''I appriciate that you're laughing and you're proud of yourself,'' Twilight told him.  
Wild put his card down. ''Go ahead, Twilight.''  
Warriors was bent double, trying to stop laughing.  
''Alright bros, our frat house is condemned and all the hot slam pieces are over at Gamma Phi. The time has come to commence operation -bullets-, the time has come to commence operation -the haunting stare of an Iraqi child-, the time has come to commence operation -rabies-.''  
Twilight was studying the three options, while Warriors was trying to hold it together, but wasn't very good at it. Wild looked at him. ''Why are you laughing so hard?''   
''I-Imagine, uumm n-no, I can't explain, just let me enjoy this.''  
Twilight made his choice. ''This one is fitting in my mood for these cards right now.''  
''Cool, thanks.'' Came the answer from a giggling Warriors. ''I just imagine- I imagine a frat house that's so stupid that they just call their operation to shoot up Gamma Phi. Operation bullets. And that was really funny to me.''

''This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of -blank-.''   
Wild had closed his eyes for not even a second before Warriors started giggling again.  
Twilight put his card down. Warriors took his and rando's card with shaking hands from laughter.  
''Eyes open.''  
''Let's see.... This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of -doodoo-,'' Wild said, then noticing Warriors who almost couldn't hold it. He had his hands on his head and tears were falling from his eyes.   
''This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of -Genghis Khan's DNA-? This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of -pussy-''  
Everyone erupts into a laughing fit.  
''That wasn't me!'' Twilight said.   
Wild pointed at Warriors. ''Was that you?''  
''That was rando. I was doodoo.''  
''Of course you were.''

''I'm pretty sure I'm high right now because I'm absolutely mesmerized by -blank-.''  
Wild giggled and put his card down. Twilight had a grin on his face.  
''You can go, War!''  
''I'm pretty sure I'm high right now because I'm absolutely mesmerized by -the swim team all at once-. I'm absolutely mesmerized by -seeing my village burn and my family slaughtered before my eyes-. I'm absolutely mesmerized by -ten incredible facts about the anus.''   
Wild and Twilight started giggling.   
''I mean mine were bad but... these are logical,'' Warriors murmured.  
Wild and Twilight break into laughter. ''These are logical?'' Wild said between laughter.  
Warriors laughed. ''Shut up. They are. I'm gonna go with ten incredible facts about the anus.''  
''Thank you,'' Twilight said, taking the black card.

''It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from -blank-.''  
Wild immediately giggled the moment his brother said the last word.   
Three cards were put on the table.   
''Read please.''  
Twilight took the cards. ''It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from -Russian super-tuberculosis-. This summer, no one is safe from -Wind-. This summer, no one is safe from -like a million alligators-.''  
Twilight didn't need to think. ''Wind was the winner.''  
Warriors grabbed the black card. ''yaaaaay.''

''If you can't handle -blank-, you better stay away from -blank-.''  
Warriors put his cards down fast, then he took rando. Twilight carefully picked his choices.  
''We're done.''  
''Okay, Hmmmmm, If you can't handle -ripping a dog in half-, you better,'' and Wild broke into a laughing fit.   
He started over. ''If you can't handle -ripping a dog in half-, you better stay away from -whatever McRib is made of-. If you can't handle -filling a man's anus with concrete-,'' he tried to hold himself together. ''You better stay away from -a sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness-. If you can't handle -getting shot out of a cannon-, you better stay away from -the 8 gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion,'' he finished, hyperventilating from laughter. ''This one- 'The man's anus concrete,''' he decided.  
''That's rando,'' Warriors told him.  
Everyone burst out into laughter.  
''That's so funny,'' Wild murmured.  
''That's such a good card! A sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness. That's so good!''

''I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow -blank- at the country club.''   
Three cards, Wild, Twilight and rando's were laying on the table.  
Warriors sighed. ''I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow -the Boner Cast- at the country club, I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow -crippling social anxiety- at the country club, or, I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow -eating together like a goddamn family for once- at the country club.''   
Wild and Twilight looked at Warriors as he remained silent.  
''I guess The Boner Cast,'' he finally mumbled.  
''Heh.. Yaaay,'' Wild said hesitantly, starting to laugh with Warriors.

''So how many cards you got?'' Twilight asked Warriors. ''I don't know,'' he mumbled. ''Four.''  
Wild smiled. ''I got twooo,'' he said with a funny voice.  
''Warriors and I both have four,'' Twilight told his brother.  
Warriors stared at the table. ''Nobody wins.''  
Wild giggled. ''It's a face off!'' He grabbed a card. ''I go for one more and I choose the winner.''  
''Ooh, okay,'' Warriors agreed. ''That makes sense.''

''How am I compensating for my tiny penis?'' Wild said.   
Warriors grabbed the remaining white cards. ''Aright, you take this half of the deck. I'm taking this half. We're picking the ultimate card,'' he sighed. ''Oh man. Pick three and just slap it down there. I'm just gonna do three rando's.''  
''So I have to go through nine cards?'' Wild asked with sudden realization.  
''Yup, you do.''  
''Okay, we're done. Eyes open and we'll see who wins.'' Twilight told Wild.  
Wild opened his eyes, ready to read the nine cards. ''How am I compensating for my tiny penis? Here we go.... -A giant powdery man baby-, -peeing into a girls butt to make a baby-, -Deez nuts-, -Denzel-, -teaching a girl how to handjob a penis-,'' he said, before everyone burst out into laughter.   
''Okay guys, moving on,'' Wild said after he had stopped laughing. ''-Setting my balls on fire and cartweeling to Ohio-, -figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin-, -ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry-, and the final card.... How am I compensating for my tiny penis? -The size of my penis-'' and he burst out into laughter again, joined by Warriors.

''Okay, the final three...'' Wild announced to the guys. ''-The size of my penis-, -peeing into a girls butt to make a baby- and -teaching a girl how to handjob a penis-.''  
Wild snickered, which caused Twilight and Warriors to laugh too.  
''How am I compensating for my tiny penis?'' Wild was quiet for a few seconds before giving his decision. ''The size of penis,'' he giggled. ''Was that rando?''  
Twilight looked at Warriors who was leaning against him, laughing hard.   
''Was it fucking rando?'' Twilight asked.  
''It was rando,'' Warriors mumbled. Everyone started laughing.  
''MINE WERE TWO OF THE THREE ON THERE!'' Twilight yelled.   
''This was a face off, why-'' Wild began, but was cut off by Warriors' ''Ahh, fuck!''  
Then the door opened. They looked up and saw Time, standing in the dooropening. Wild and Warriors stared up with horror, while Twilight got a laughing fit which he couldn't stop.  
''What the HECK are you doing?'' Time asked.  
Wild looked at his brother, worried, but he couldn't help but also laugh.  
''Ummm.... Err.. We were playing just a little game.. Right, Twilight?''  
Twilight nodded, not being able to talk.  
''Well, it's 1.30 AM, you should be-'' Time began, but was interrupted by Twilight's epic gasp for air before laughing again. ''Okay, Time,'' he tried to say, wiping away tears. ''We were just finished, we'll go up now, it won't happen again.'' 

''We should do it again tomorrow night!'' Wild suggested when they were in their bedroom. He looked at Warriors and Twilight. ''What do you say?'' 

''Absolutely.'' 

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was based on Markiplier's video: We are the worst kind of people / Cards Against Humanity.


End file.
